Facing Down Stress Every Day

I don’t know when it started for me. I know that the last several years of my life have been very eventful, and very stressful. But I thought I was handling it pretty well, till I was hospitalized for a stress-related illness in January.

Now I am vigilant to the point of excess at times when stress rears it’s head. For me it manifests as a clear adrenaline rush, and usually happens at times when I am supposed to keep a calm face to the public. The resultant dichotomy often creates the feeling of moving from “zero to one hundred” on the stress-o-meter.

I think I have always lived at a high stress level, but wasn’t aware of it. I am not a young woman, so there are decades of conditioned responses that I am now trying to change. It helps to be hyper-vigilant right now, because I need to transform.

There is no reason why I can’t, though one of the changes that must accompany this transformation is a heavy infusion of patience with myself as I sometimes slip and fall.

I do not have the kind of life where I can go off to the mountains and meditate. I work in Emergency Management, and am a homeowners rights advocate. I’ve cut back on some of my other volunteer work, but there is still a significant amount of stress in each day.

So I notice. And when possible, I move back. If not possible I am trying to find ways to calm myself on the inside (it usually doesn’t show on the outside, as I have gotten good at masking).  And as soon as possible I take a walk, have a laugh, or call a friend.

I know I am not the only one of us who faces down stress every day, especially with what is going on in the world right now. I hope and pray that we can all get through this and onto the other side. Remember when life was fun?

Riveted

I work in Emergency Management, and live on the coast of California. Yesterday, after the devastating earthquake/tsunami hit Japan, I spent my day - from the wee morning hours till the afternoon, in our local Emergency Operations Center.

I was there with representatives from Fire Departments, the Coast Guard, the Sheriff's office, county departments of Public Health, Public Works, Social Services, the local mayor, the National Weather Service, the Board of Supervisors representative and many many others.

We were constantly getting updated on the status of the tsunami warning on the coast of California, who was being evacuated, and where they were being evacuated to. We helped to make sure that the right information was getting out to the public, and also helped to make sure that people with special needs were being helped to the best of our ability.

I am very proud of our county. We work so well together. I didn't see any "turf" issues, and watched as we all helped each other resolve situations, whether it was trying to find an after-hours phone number or dissuading rumors.

But it is an adrenaline rush to say the least. Our county faired pretty well, with little damage. I can't say the same for the county to the north of us, and we sent a couple of teams to help them. Nothing, of course, compares to what Japan went through.

My prayers go out to them. I am still so riveted by what is going on, although I am safe in my home.

Please everyone. Get prepared for disaster, and understand what to do when one strikes.

Why don't they get it?

I am getting so tired of trying to explain the foreclosure debacle to people who continue to use the old argument of "you signed a contract, you are responsible for the mortgage, get over it." And variations on that theme.

First, there is nothing wrong with trying to renegotiate ANYTHING. Have you ever called your credit card company and tried to renegotiate your interest rate? Have you ever tried to get a settlement for less than you owe? There is nothing unusual about this.

So why are people so judgemental about a homeowner who tries to renegotiate the terms of their loan? This is no different in theory.

In practice, though, it is a nightmare that is driven by greed. Unless you have been through it, you have no idea of the stress, the manipulations, the lies that are rampant in the nightmare of trying to work with your servicer to get a loan modification.

• What would YOU do if you were underwater and couldn't refinance?
• What would YOU do if your bank wouldn't agree to a short sale?
• What would YOU do if you have an adjustable rate mortgage that just keeps shrinking your ability to rectify the situation?
• Wouldn't YOU try to get a loan modification?

I do not understand why this is so hard for people to understand. But I also do not understand why the banks - all of the banks other than the credit unions and very local banks - make the negotiations so incredibly stressful. The underwater homeowner who has lost a source of income is really between a rock and a hard place. And since there is the "carrot" of the potential for a modification out there, why not try?

It took me sixteen months and three denials before I finally got a permanent HAMP mod.  I am among the relative few who got this "coveted" HAMP mod, but I am still underwater. People like me live in a conundrum. People still fighting for a reasonable chance at a mod are in hell.

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. Not the traditional birthday. It is the birthday of the day that I gave birth to my first child. My son, who opened an explosion of love that I never knew I had in me. My son who put me through one heck of a labor, but who has given me decades of gratitude that makes those three days of contractions seem like nothing.

It reminds me too of the birth of my second child some four years later. I remember worrying "how can I have enough love for this child, because I love my first so much?"

Silly me. The depth and breadth of love is neverending. All of the sudden my heart opened wider than I ever thought it could. I understood how a parent can love 2, 3, 4 and more children just the same. Being a mom is the most important, most gratifying, and most humbling experience of my life.

Being a mom keeps me going. Being a mom keeps me learning. Being a mom keeps me loving. Being a mom keeps me committed to making the world a better place for those who will be left behind when I am gone.

Fighting with an eye on balance

I just came back from watching the new Matt Damon movie, "The Adjustment Bureau." It had alot to do about fate vs. free will. I can't say it was the best or the worst movie I have ever seen, but it did keep my attention.

Walking out and now an hour later I am thinking about what we should do when presented with challenges. The main character in the movie pushed against a system that was trying to dissuade him. He tried to avoid his feelings, but in the end he chose his own truth and fought for it.

I think about the life I have led and the life I have in front of me and hope and pray for clarity about what I believe to be important enough to fight for. Of course, I will fight to the death for my children. Of that there is no doubt.

I have also fought for two years and counting against the Wall Street machine that tried to take my home away and is taking thousands of others' homes at an incredible pace. What I have learned about what is going on in our country is mindboggling at times. That it continues is equally so. I thought for awhile - after the stress of this put me in the hospital - that I should let go of the fight. But I can't.

So these days I am once again reinventing me. Who is the new me who works, pays the bills, spends time with friends, but still keeps up with and fights against what is going on in our messed up world while all the time making sure I don't fall ill again? It is a daily adjustment such that I have never before experienced. But putting my head in the sand again and pretending this is not going on is more stressful than the alternative.

I know this is sort of a general post, and I'll get more specific as time goes on. But the movie got me to musing, and I wanted to share it here.

As part of a continuing reinvention of myself, I now have my own blog.

My reinvention started about 16 years ago, after my second divorce. The subtitle above implies that I “just go for it” some of the time, and this was one of the times when I had to.  I had taken both of my ex-husbands’ names during the marriages. After the second divorce it was clear to me that my previous three names (including of course my maiden name) wouldn’t work for me. So I researched my family tree, and although there were some other interesting names – a great grandmother named “Nettie McDowell” was a front runner – I decided to adopt my mother’s maiden name. The judge okayed it, and this is my name for my life.